Timing is Everything: A Realistic Approach to Positive Thinking

“He just doesn’t get it”, “She never really listens to me”, “What is wrong with me? I should be so happy”…
If you’ve ever uttered phrases like these, (and most of us have), you know first-hand what it’s like to be affronted by the well-meaning, but perpetually-out-of-sync friend or relative who is eager to share his or her personal version of “You’re too negative; you have to think positively”. The implication is that if only you adjusted your attitude, all would be well with the world. Even more importantly, the implication is that the elusive gifts of confidence, self-esteem, peace, and happiness would now be yours.

Don’t get me wrong; there may be times when an attitude adjustment is called for and necessary. We can all fall prey to an excess of self-pity…Especially on one of those miserable days when caught in the midst of a downpour without an umbrella and no cab in sight.
But quite frankly, the world has grown a bit too intolerant of anything “negative”. People forget, or don’t realize , that sadness is not depression, and that anxiety is a signal that something else needs to be dealt with. When we feel sad or anxious or see the world through grey lenses, this is a signal that our brain is not fully processing something important. It may be as simple as a recent neglect or an insult by a neighbor, or it may be the culmination of multiple rejections over the years. But if you haven’t had a chance to fully process and understand your hurt, and often anger, these unmetabolized feelings eventually catch up with you.

Most people mean well. When they offer the proverbial “you’re too negative”, they’re not trying to be dismissive; they are usually trying to help. What they don’t realize is that our brains are usually programmed- enough to try to avoid sadness and to present a good front to the world. Hearing an external source of “look on the bright side” only serves to reinforce most people’s self-accusations and shameful feelings, rather than providing the intended opportunity for healing.

So the next time you or someone you care about is feeling down or upset, remember to take a moment and listen…to yourself, to him, to her. First things first. In many instances, the moment passes and the outlook is brighter. At other times, you may find out that more needs to be explored. But in any event, the positivity that emerges will be genuine and realistic, and ultimately more rewarding.